How do you balance work and home life?
Oooh …. badly at the moment.
In the work home equation, home is struggling to be a variable, which feels rubbish.
In an attempt to restore the balance, time I give to the precious folk in the homestead comes from the tank of me. Result … in 2024 I find myself running on empty…
Help!!
Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?
“It would be alright, if alright was sitting here alone tonight”
It’s the late 1980s. I have ended an exciting, but I’ll advised, relationship and he writes me these words. (Yes folks ‘writes’; this was pre-smart phone and pre-email so this guy pens and posts me a letter!)
And that sentence stuck; all the sadness and emptiness of a break up in one lyrical line.
Moving to the present day however, I don’t actually think about it with regard to romantic relationships. Life has taught me, after all, that being with a person just to avoid being on your own is a complete recipe for disaster.
No, it pops into my head nowadays on those rare evening my house is empty of chaos, clutter and kids. I tidy up, I pour myself a drink, put my feet up, load up a favourite film and it feels …. rubbish.
Let’s be honest folks, no one goes to their grave wishing they’d spent more time hoovering. So for me the lovely poetic lines remind me never to put anything ahead of family, friendship, love and laughter. All our relationships should be front and centre and that’s the path to happiness and … being alright again.
Monday 1 April 2024
Gosh it’s been a while since I penned a blog!
So as the Easter weekend dawns and the sun breaks out from behind the rain clouds, I do have to face the garden for a good few hours of mowing, weeding ,pruning and …. I know, bring me a pipe and slipper and call me ‘grandad‘ … but thereafter, I fire up the lap top and sit down to muse bank on March and forward to April.
Quite frankly, what didn’t happen in March? As I look back, I can see exactly why my beloved blog had to take a backseat.
Prom-dress daughter first learned that she has a severe case of glandular fever (with some alarming complications). This was, and still is, a real worry on many fronts and has led to several weekends of pelting up and down the M6 and M74 to Edinburgh and, for me, wondering what is the best course of action for her health, her happiness, her degree course and my financial survival.
Small boy was, and still is, balancing a ramping up of A level workload with a grade 8 piano exam, tons of playing in Youth Orchestras and college productions plus … far too many 18th birthday parties. At times, he has been too exhausted to eat. So, as his ‘kick ass single -mum’, I am insisting that he hears the word ‘no’ more often than usual and this has led to conflict on more than one occasion!
My eldest, who is ever buried under a mammoth medical-student workload, received the exciting news that she had been accepted, via random ballot, for the Great North Run in September 2024, … alongside the bombshell that none of her friends had. In consequence, many lonely months of training for a half marathon loomed. This one, happily has resolved … with one of the other students getting onto the running roster, via the charity fundraising route. I guess one ‘out of three ain’t bad’
And somewhere in he middle is me. The sponge expected to soak it all up and somehow solve it all and always say ‘yes ‘ and ‘where to‘ and ‘what time’ and always be on hand ‘for a chat‘.
Only I seem to be aware that I also have a full time job, worries of my own and the occasional dream… that no- one hears about. So, all in all, it has been a month when it has felt incredibly tough to be me! On Thursday, when I left for work, realised I’d left my laptop at home, drove back, located the machine, popped into the kitchen for a quick glass of water and them promptly set off without it again, I thought ‘Blimey I am tired…I may even ‘be done’?’
But that was Thursday, I have slept since then and April is a new month, so a new start. And come what may, I resolve to make sure I find time for a weekly pause to blog back and then look forward. It can only help …
18 February 2024
As other Gen X-ers will know, when you first get a pair of reading glasses it is… well there is no other word for it; bloody fantastic!
You pop on those simple frames and a minor miracle occurs. The years roll away, the world brightens, sharpens and comes into focus; it is simply amazing. I just had to shout out,
“Woah… now I remember what the world is supposed to look like!”
And I would probably use the same phrase to sum up the wondrous ‘half term’ I’ve just enjoyed. A refreshing week away from work is the perfect way to recharge the batteries and recall what living is ‘supposed to look like!’ I catch up with many friends. I spend time with Small boy, sorting out the myriad of little things that build up when you regularly work an 11 hour day. And I do a show, playing in the band for a local production.
I absolutely love it and find myself pondering the following. If someone were to tell me that I’d played my last ever gig, would I be more or less devastated than being told I’d taught my last ever lesson at school? I’m not sure that I know, though in my defence not much of my life is devoted to such musings.
No, alas, as single mum, you are allowed precious few moments to think about yourself. Small boy was only 3 when his dad left and he has just turned 18. That makes 15 tough years,in which I doubt I have spent even 5 minutes thinking about what I’d actually like to be doing. But in this week of contentment I do find myself wondering whether or not the life I’ve lived in the last seven days is now the life I’d like to be living far more of the time.
Eek! If only seeing clearly through this conundrum were as easy as popping on my reading glasses … !
8 February 2024
My baby has just turned eighteen … eek!
Yes, Small boy is officially a child no more.
Golly gosh folks, one moment I’m in my thirties, in a Southwest hospital, high on gas and air and crooning Nat King Cole songs to any unfortunate soul passing by the birthing pool room, and the next; nearly 2 decades have past and my son, the new little being who was born that memorable day, and I are trundling around Tesco stocking up on Vodka and Moretti beer for his coming of age party. Where does the time go?
Where indeed? And on this particular eighteenth, I am also facing the reality that all of my children are now viewed as adults, in the eyes of the law at least. They can vote, serve on a jury and, or course, go to the pub! It is a truly epic journey from the days of formula milk, car seats, ballet classes and Saturday morning football… for me as well as them. Looking back, I actually cannot understand how I ever found the energy to fit everything in!
Exhaustion aside, however, the trip down memory lane is a real joy for this single mum, as she ponders her role in the era of adult offspring. Years and years of good times, shared adventures, crazy capers and much laughter. Of course there have been tense and tricky times too, but one of the nice tricks of my mind, maybe everybody’s is that it tends to filter those out or at least push them into the background letting the brighter pictures and reminiscences dance and shine.
But back to the eve of Small boy’s party, where there is precious little time for looking backwards! We have a house to clear, disco lights to set up, a play list to perfect and costumes to finish off. Costumes? Why yes, my son has a theme; ‘come dressed as a musician‘ is his choice. He and two pals are going as the Bee Gees so, as I blog, he is strutting around the house, in white flares, face-timing his sisters for advice about wigs!
My costume? Now don’t be silly! If 40+ eighteen years olds are descending on my house then I am off out; at least for the first few hours. But if I was to dress up… did I mention that I do great Nat King Cole? Back in the birthing pool, I was singing ‘Let there be love’ . And what a perfect way to end this post, because, as lyrics go, there is no better advice I could give to my grown-up offspring as they launch into the world. Live with your heart, always respect the hearts of others and … the rest will sort itself out!
22 January 2024
As we approach the final week of January, I pause to think about how my resolutions are going…
Let’s recap my quartet of intentions:
Saving money: aiming for £400 per month
January brings the annual tax bill when I have to pay back most of my Child Benefit in one of the UK’s harshest penalties against those is us not living in happy coupledom. (Even the Tory Chancellor, as recently reported in many media, recognises the unfairness ”There is a very big distortion in the marginal rate of tax that people earn and I fully accept there is an unfairness with what happens with dual income families” ). Fortuitously though, as I log in to pay my dues this year, I am pleasantly surprised to find a tax refund sitting on my account.
Scarcely has the good fortune sunk in however, before two unexpected costs hit the family budget.
Small boy, hurtling rapidly towards his 18th birthday, suddenly realises that, to make the most of his newly found adulthood in our local hostelries, he needs ID and his passport has expired. So I have to find £82.50 to apply for a new one.
And, on a far less cheery note, prepped and crammed with chemistry facts, my nervous son also attends a university interview at his institution of first choice and …it is awful. I am tempted to name and shame the establishment but, unlike the arrogant, asinine specimens who interview him, I do have a shred of integrity and professionalism, so shall refrain. Their behaviour is absolutely disgusting, laughing at my child’s answers, making cheap jibes and leaving him shell shocked and demoralised. It takes a lot of time to help him get over this … and I am also forced to blow the strict food budget on an emergency recovery take-away!
So financial ups and downs but, with a week to go, I think I might just scrape it, which is a great start to a year of saving.
Buying a nice item for the foodbank as part of my weekly shop
This one is a big tick. I love deciding what to buy each week. Plus, as I add my offerings to the crammed foodbank crate, it a gloriousreminder that there are a lot of kind folk in this world and that together our small acts do combine to make something of significance.
Running/walking at least a mile a day in January
Ughh … what a chore! I completed this challenge a few years ago and breezed through it, but looking back, that was a January in semi-lockdown, when working partially from home and having absolutely nothing to do with any evening made things a lot easier. Roll onto the busyness of 2024 and already I have given up on Wednesdays when late night meetings, grabbing food and dashing off to orchestra mean that I can’t even think about exercise until 10pm and … who wants to be lacing up their trainers at that hour?
Then there is the weather; dark and snowy. On two occasions, I narrowly avoid being run over by cars coming out of their drives without looking. On another icy evening I fall flat on my ‘posterior’ – ouch! And on slippy Saturday, grinding around the local woods with my run buddy, we are moving so slowly that she eventually starts walking and overtakes me, with a parody of the famous Harry Enfield jockey sketch , “Hello … how are you?” That run gets abandoned, as we collapse in laughter and decided tea and cake is a much better way to spend the morning.
Thank the Lord, there are only 9 more days to go
Taking part in Bloganuary
Last but by no means least. This is an utterly fabulous resolution! The daily prompt actually makes me enjoy waking up each morning, a creativity boost that even beats caffeine! (See my Bloganuary page for the full set of … pretty random thoughts!)
So, all in all, I think I am doing OK and in any case, it has all kept me so busy that I’ve scarcely had time to bemoan the misery of January this year. So here’s to resolutions…
6 January 2024
Now I know that not everyone’s keen on the traditional New Year’s Resolutions but I happen to be a big fan! As a busy single mum, I actually find it quite luxurious to have 31 days out of the full 365 (this year 366!) when I routinely make time to focus on my own quests and challenges. And even more importantly, January is such a grim month that any kind of distraction is a welcome relief! So without any further ado, here I go!
And that’s me! All good so far, but I am only a week into the opening month of the year. Let’s see how I’m doing next weekend…
31 December 2023
Do my eyes deceive me or do I really read something positive about climate change in this week’s news reels?
It is this headline, in the Guardian, that stops me in my tracks,
“Climate scientists hail 2023 as ‘beginning of the end’ for fossil fuel era…“
I scroll through the article with sceptical eyes. It has been such a grim 12 months for humanity, from conflicts and the cost of living crisis to chaotic government and what appears to be an ever-accelerating climate catastrophe, that good news is difficult to comprehend… let alone believe.
Indeed, in a year that witnessed more record-breaking temperatures, flash flooding and wild fires, a previous edition of the same newspaper reported scientists grimly heralding 2023 as a year in which ‘humanity exposed its inability to tackle climate crisis…’ And against this terrifying backdrop of visible destructive change, disappointment at the outcomes of COP 28 was so palpable that I couldn’t summons up the enthusiasm to write the annual blog about our attempts to ‘go a bit greener’ … until now!
The Guardian article is cautious and emphasises that the world is still years behind a schedule of true hope. Nonetheless, there is some optimism that “emissions from energy use may have peaked” which is an important milestone. And I don’t know about you, but I decide that I’ll take any green shoots on offer. Furthermore, I sit myself down, to take stock of our household eco-efforts this year. So come along … to the bathroom
I remain almost plastic free in the smallest room with soap for face, hands, body and hair. And to keep everything tidily in place and soap-scum free, I have discovered the fabulous Smol magnets, (these things are genius), plus a soap bag picked up at a Summer market in Edinburgh.
Fussy deodorants keeps me smelling fresh and waste packaging to a minimum. And you’ll also spot a new razor suckered to the shower wall, courtesy of my eldest daughter, who introduced the house to the wonderful world of Estrid Razors; believe me those things are built to last! The replacement blades are delivered via subscription service, so not only is it greener but also hugely convenient!
But wait, I did say ‘almost‘ plastic free! Alas, my quest to find a hair-conditioner bar is yet to meet with success and I have, for now, reverted to a plastic tub of conditioner to tame my curly locks. But, I search on!
Getting back to our home, I descend to the kitchen, where Smol is again my current company of choice, following a colleague’s recommendation. These days, I swerve the supermarket ‘household product’ aisle completely, as Smol post tabs for the dishwasher, clothes washer and cleaning sprays to my door. For me, these products do the job and managing delivery dates is so easy and flexible, that it feels like good value too.
And where better to finish than by the bin, with my recycling of ‘soft plastic’ at the local supermarket? This one was inspired last year by Jen Gale, ‘Zero waste mum’ who only puts her bin out once per year. The sustainable super star, motivated our rather more modest commitment to putting our grey bin (of non-recycling) out every 6 weeks instead of every 3. And we have managed it!
But have I made a difference? Well Smol, for one, tell me I have.
And I hope so, however small it, because, when despairing of our political leaders and energy companies, I find it helpful to switch them off, avoid the tendency to mope and moan and do something… do anything! In any case I shall carry on trying in 2024 and keep you posted but in the meantime, a very Happy New Year to all…
Saturday 23 December 2023
Woohoo everyone; two days until the ‘Big Day’ and what a frenzied and frantic December it has been! Three cheers to Smallboy and his French Horn, who have broken every family record for the number of Christmas concerts a person can appear but, this is the first moment of quiet I’ve found for a blog post and, before it is too late, I must write something about my Advent Calendar…
Ooh yes, just look at the jammy treats hiding behind the doors of my Christmas count-down creation!
Now; I have to confess that I’ve previously scorned the trend for lavish Advent Calendars. And spending hundreds, sometimes thousands of pounds on luxury epics from Fortnum and Mason, Liberty or Dior still seems like insanity itself and the preserve of those with ‘more money than sense’. But, speaking of preserves….
This year, my daughter sends me the ‘Bonne Maman‘ calendar and … it is fantastic! Every morning a little jar that is so delicious I find five minutes, in my usually strict no-breakfast dash for work, to indulge in a hot buttered crumpet topped with a dash of the latest jam. Strawberry, apricot, caramel, blackcurrant; it is all utterly scrumptious.
So amidst the relentlessly busy days and nights of December, I have my breakfast moments to savour. Goodness gracious, those jams are so tasty I actually look forward to getting up on the dark and chilly mornings. I also discover that racing off to work with some food in my stomach really does makes the day feel a lot better!
But if I thought the Bonne Maman bonanza couldn’t get any better, Small boy, in a creative moment of pure genius, spots that the empty jars are the perfect size for a shot of Baby Guinnes. It is a cocktail of Christmassy delight and, as my offspring all return for the Yuletide holidays, proves to be a universal household hit!
Well, this settles any dispute for me; his year I’ve definitely made it through December with the best Advent Calendar in the world!
And so, this evening, I raise a mini-jam jar of coffee liqueur and Baileys, and to one and all. Whatever your festive holidays look like this year, try to find five minutes for yourself in each day, appreciate the gifts from those who care about you, go with the flow of any teenage ‘good ideas‘ and … enjoy!
Friday 17 November 2023
‘Tis the season of …mocks exams and end of term assessments. Yikes parents- how to cope?
For the adult carers, as well as the young people, it can be an anxious time. How can we support our child’s educational journey? Do we help or do we hinder? Are there rights and wrongs? And where do we even start? Can we actually help our children to ‘do well’?
As both a parent and educator, I know that there are no easy answers, because learning is a complex picture with individual differences more common than similarities. But I am happy to share one approach I took during the high-school years.
You’ll be happy to hear that it was pretty simple. I don’t believe that anyone is ‘born clever‘, rather my fundamental mantra is that if you want your child to flourish, then your child will need to do some work. As a result, the parental challenge is encouraging your offspring to put those hours in. So in our house, I flipped ‘doing well’ on its head. Doing well became no longer about ‘smashing it with top grades’ rather it was defined as ‘giving your best’ in every situation. And so it made sense to reward effort, rather than results.
Oh to have come up with something so powerful. But I feel compelled to confess that I pinched it from a wise old pal, who told me that she pretty much ignored the attainment grades on school reports and focused instead on comments about attitude. And this is where I began. When report cards came home, even at Primary school, it was £1 for every top effort grade regardless of any other scores in the document. When the trio took music exams or school tests, if they had practised or tried hard, there was a treat on the day, before any result was issued. I stuck to the notion that if I could keep them working and trying to be the best that they could be, rather than stressing about grades and ranks, that it would serve them well; through life as well as exams.
Those more widely read on educational psychology will recognise the influence of Carol Dweck and growth mind set. I would recommend wider reading if you are interested but in summary, whilst many believe that abilities are innate and hence fixed, Dweck’s alternative concept is that success is far more likely to reflect hard work and commitment to improvement.
You don’t know what your abilities are until you make a full commitment to developing them
C. Dweck
In a similar vein, Professor Steve Peters, author of the best selling mind management book ‘The Chimp Paradox‘ promotes the idea that we should rethink our aims and goals in terms of the commitment we will give a task, rather than focusing solely on its outcome.
“Measure success in life by effort and doing your best, then it is always in your hands to succeed and be proud of yourself.”
Prof Steve Peters
Both Dweck and Peters definitely chime with me. I haven’t really looked back since our switch to rewarding effort above outcome. Furthermore it is healthy for the mind, reducing fear of failure, because if you have aimed to do your best and have done so, then you are always a success. Fabulous too for family relationships, allowing tons of opportunity for you to praise your child and boost their self esteem.
And funnily enough, by encouraging your offspring to keep trying and believing in improvement, more often than not, it also leads to some pretty specular results …
Smashing Single Parenthood 